I have been feeling restless lately, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is that is causing it. I have talked to a couple of friends about this feeling, if for no other reason than to keep it out in the open, instead of dwelling on it in secret. I had a little better clue in on it tonight while I was "googling" my brother Carl, and all of a sudden I got a feeling of longing for something that is missing in my life.
I admit to considerable trepidation concerning feelings of longing and desire. I attempt to and feel as though I do a good job of living my life from a low worldly desire point of view. I am blessed with a house, friends, pets, and a good job to be specific about a few of them. The words I use when I pray are that I desire "...to be an instrument of His peace." Which doesn't mean that my own will can't sneak in and have pride or lust or envy (or four others) have me desire something which is not good for me, which happens from time to time. However I don't necessarily think, at least at this point in the introspective process, that it is the case.
The obvious answer is that I am missing a girlfriend/wife/family. I admit to being torn, but I think I am mostly comfortable with this either way it goes as long as it is God's will for me, but I do pray for it. This doesn't feel so obvious.
So I am left wondering if God is going to be "moving" me soon. I have some flat out fear about that. Not only am I fairly comfortable with myself and my life right now, there are things and memories in my past I have no desire to have dredged up again, I'd like to let that sleeping dog lie.
Fear is the opposite of faith... I pray for His will, I invite Him in to my home, my body, my soul. Yet here I sit fearful of moving forward, and afraid also of sliding back. Maintaining my position on this hill of life is my will, but the energy I expend to keep myself here, will eventually wear me out and I will fall back down into the valley...
Sometimes courage is taking the next step forward, sometimes it is taking one more breath, sometimes it is just saying I'm scared.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, The courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
3 comments:
Crazy how those things seem to ensnare us, no?
I don't blame God. I blame a combo of Solomon and Paul. All their talk of waking and burning and whatnot.
I find that I don't typically get wrapped up in the whole hole thing unless I'm around someone who can't shut up about it, or shut up about me needing to take care of that hole. So who's passing subliminal messages to you? What are you reading? Who are you talking to?
I'd suggest a break from them or read Job. Job is the equivalent of spiritual Pong - completely engaging and completely sterile.
Then again, you're an old man. Marriage and retirement should be all you're thinking of anymore. Oh, and shingles. ;)
Let's bow our heads and pray to God that we may remove the stones
of unbelief in our hearts. Let's pray to God that we may believe that
the resurrection of Christ is more important than the whole world,
because the world perishes and fades away someday, but God's promise of
Jesus' resurrection remains forever and gives man eternal life and the
kingdom of God as their inheritance.
It's Okay to turn your blog into a therapy session - that's what it's for! I am very glad you feel so comfortable with all of us to write about what is really on your mind and share your thoughts - please continue! We all feel adrift at times and I'm glad you can express this. You have your faith and your friends, so I'd say you are in very good shape indeed.
May 2006 be your best year ever!
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