Bad Attitude, Happy Guy

I've been suffering from a bad attitude the last week or so. Strangely enough, however, I am sitting here writing this with a big smile on my face, because I am so happy and thankful about my life. What a freak.

One of the things that makes me feel alive is when I see people putting contradictory and complex feelings and/or desires together and helping them, or sometimes helplessly watching them try to make sense of it all. I know I have a thoughtful talent for it, although I also know people sometimes figure I'm all frosting, no cake, so not so many get to see that part of me.

I admit, it is not normal for me to see (recognize) this occurring in me, although I am sure it happens. I am happy that instead of ignoring it or trying to fix it, I am taking my own general guidance and just letting it be, and trying to make sense of it... getting to the root issue, rather than applying new curtains to the bad attitude "window"... treat the disease instead of the symptoms, what a novel idea.

I have a fair idea of what some of the root causes are, and one is that struggle with esteem. In general, my 'self' esteem is fairly good, I like myself. The esteem issues I have are the ones where I am unsure whether I believe I will be accepted by other people in general, or more to the point caring about being accepted by the population in general. At the same time I want to be loved and accepted by everyone, I have no desire to have because of how badly I would be compromised by the demands of the world... I don't want to be stamped into a mold and told what is normal. This ain't my first rodeo with this issue, and it won't be my last, I'm sure, but I don't like it holding me back from being fulfilled as a person and as a contributing member of society.

The other issues involved are not necessarily for public consumption (see the above paragraph). Until I get it figured out, you'll see me with a smile on my face and a bad attitude lurking somewhere behind.