The 2007 Onion Awards

The end of 2007 is at hand, and it is time for the 2007 version of the Onion awards. These highly coveted awards are given arbitrarily to anyone whom the Academy of Onionboy wishes to hand them out to, in whatever category seems reasonably fitting.

Pet Awards:

• Longest Lasting Best Friend: Cherokee. Fourteen years and you still have more good days than bad.
• Most Improved Friendliness: Sierra. This cat was shy out of the box, now she is in charge.
• Most Likely To Sit Stubbornly In The Rain: Zeke. Cats are not known for intelligence, Zeke upholds this standard.
• We Miss You: Miss Princess. My mom's cat made it nineteen years, and almost liked me one time.

People Awards:

• Stupidest Allergy Ever: Mae. Science needs to get on the stick and cure wheat allergies.
• Most Likely To Be Found In A Glass Bubble: Becca Bay. Two trips to the zoo with her resulted in half the time spent in bubbles.
• Virtual Guitar Hero: Spanky. I'm his bass player.
  
• Lincoln Is So Far Away Award: BeckyRants. We never see you.
• Lincoln Is So Close Award: Cornstalker. You are always up here in Omaha, just move already.
• Pyro Of The Year: Ben ... no elaboration needed, you can see why from outer space.
• Clueless Young Man Award: All Omaha Area 20-29 Single Men. When I handed her flowers for her birthday, ErinOneDay told me "This is the first time a boy has ever given me flowers." Hello guys, she's pretty, caring, and musically gifted ... you should be lining up to take a number (not that I had any sense at that age either).
• You Rode How Far?: Jose. Come on, sixty miles on a bike is a month, not just for fun some afternoon.
• Baddest Year, but Getting Through: MistyJoJangles. You keep on going, girl.
• Best Hand-Made Halloween Costume: Rob Meyers as Spongebob.
• Welcome to the World Award: Daniel. Daniel joined us this year, and proud mama Rockin'Robin will tell you how is the greatest baby ever.
• Have I Ever Met Anyone Who Doesn't Play Guitar Award: SingingMonkeyGirl. Who also picks up an award in the Favorite New Dancer category.
• Mack The Knife Award: Takashi. Thank you for your performance at Junetoberfest.
• Species Of The Year Award: The Okapi. It has a prehensile tongue, which is both fascinating and horrifying all at the same time.
• Musical Performance Of The Year: If Only One of Us (aka SmileChild and ErinOneDay) on my back deck for "Junetoberfest".
• Animal Attack Of The Year: SmileChild. Our February day trip to the zoo ended with a goat attack.
• Can't Sit Still Award: Ben ... actually, he just plain can't sit in any chair on my lawn without falling over.
• Most Likely To Be Jumping Through A Car Window: Becca Doubet. Twice in one night she does the Daisy Duke and goes through the window.
• Most Likely To Say Something Rude And Then Look Up The Definition: Jayme. Are you really sure you want to tell me to get bent?
• The Terrorize The Birthday-Person Award: Olin. Beware the cake ... or if your name is Jessica, just beware.
  

Internet Awards:

• America, The Land Of Free Speech Award: My June 19 posting about Lindy in the Park. When am I going to learn everything is perfectly fine, no need to question. Lessons learned? Don't argue with cowards, my offer to discuss Omaha Jitterbug issues face to face with anyone is still out there, and other than Nate, it is untaken.
• Internet Comic Of The Year: Cortland. My buddy Cornstalker's internet comic is the coolest, and I'd say so even if I didn't appear in it from time to time.
• Momentus Blog Posting: This one, it is my 500th.
• Wearing Your Virtual Heart On Your Sleeve Award: Terri. Are you sure you want to put that kind of stuff on your Facebook status?
  

Dance Awards:

• Most Fun To Dance With, 75 Pounds And Under Category: Janet, aka The Bullet. The problem is not whether you're able to do any flip you want with her, it's not accidentally throwing her to the ceiling.
• Stupidest Dancer/Coworker: Me. I came into work one day, introduced myself to the new girl in the row... "Yes, you dance with me all the time." Oops, sorry Amanda.
• Worst Dance Move of The Year: SmileChild. Hello, on a donkey kick, you kick forward not backwards.
  

Automotive Awards:

• Talking And Driving Award: Viv. Bad news: she is talking to me and does a 360 on I80 in the snow. Good news: she kept right on driving ... a future in stock car racing awaits you.
• Your Christmas Gift Award: My car. Which needed two new tires right before Christmas.
• Worst Driving Weather: March 1st. I freak out when I am at work and it is really snowy. Just figure I'm leaving early.
  

Good Looks Awards:

• Best 'Touch Me' Hair: Emma. Just fun to play with.
• Not As Pretty On Film Award: Jenny Jitterbug. Somehow the eyes and smile just don't translate to the camera.
• Review Your Pictures Before You Put Them On The Internet Award: Cornstalker. Picture taking ability, 10% great, 40% good, 40% average, 10% burn the camera.
  
• Temptation Thy Name Is... Award: Venche ... as a cheerleader on Halloween.
• Smiliest: SmileChild: What can you say about someone who's nickname is SmileChild.

Moments Awards:

• The Blind Leading The Sighted Award: Debbie. Day two of Cowtown this year, six people sitting around "What do you want to do for lunch? ... I don't know ... I don't know." Debbie comes over rounds us up and herds us off to Subway, walking stick in hand. Nice job.
• The Don't Listen To OnionBoy's Wisdom Award: Maegmariel. Shortly after I suffered the financial indignation of sending my cell phone through the washing machine, she did the same thing.
• Sorghum Award: Spanky. If you don't know, it's funny.
  
• Providence Award: Smeade. SmileChild, Viv, and I finally got off our butts and went to visit Rockin'Robin, Tim, and Daniel, oh and look, Smeade is on the way to O'Neill. As "luck" would have it her car blew up that week, and she needed a ride back to Omaha, OnionBoy is in the right place at the right time to save the day.
• Best Mermaid Imitation: Me. You just had to be there, mostly because there is no visual evidence, probably SmileChild and ErinOneDay are kicking themselves about that.
• Worst Moment Of The Year: Falling off of Angie's JetSki at Lake Okaboji and having the key go with the JetSki instead of staying with me. All turned out well, but that may be the last time I get on a JetSki.
• Repeated Good Times Award: My firepit. Although I can't quite figure out why we all sit around and surf the net from our phones.
• Snowball Fights Are Dangerous Award: Jenny Jitterbug. She got clocked in the head so hard that she doesn't remember it ... in her living room.
  

(new category) Photo Awards:

• My favorite pictures of the year, in no order at all.

I won't lie and say I had a great 2007, there were some challenges which I don't think I handled very well, but friends new and old made the year a good one.