Much Thanks and My Spiral

The last picture of Cherokee.

I want to give a big thanks to all my friends for both their presence and thoughts/prayers during this last week as I made the decision to put Cherokee down and carried through on it. Another big public thanks to Maegmariel for going with me, staying with me, and crying with me ... you made a difference. Spanky & Mae, my dancing friends, Venche, everyone at the Mardi Gras party, and everyone at the SuperBowl party for helping to keep me busy and somewhat distracted. Thank you also to all those people who commented on my notes and postings, and who sent me personal messages.

I read a quote lately (sorry, I don't remember where) that said "Whenever you are unsure about the character of a man, look at his friends." While it is true that I doubt my own sanity and character often, if I followed this quote, I would feel much better about myself, because you, my friends, are loving and full of concern. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Our appointment was for 0830, and we were there on time, despite me taking a wrong turn. Dr Bosilevac came in and we talked for a minute, he had opened his clinic about the time I came to Omaha (late 1993), he said many of first patients were all coming to the end, and it was sad for him too. Cherokee was none too happy with me, and tried to show his displeasure by making me jealous by going to Maegmariel, it didn't work, I love him. As for the procedure, it was fine, a little problem finding a vein, but I held him as he sat, Dr B gave him the shot, he laid down and was gone. I wept as much for my failure to be perfect to him as I did out of this departing.

Lately I have been dwelling more on my cowardice than my courage. This was the hardest thing I have ever done, and God willing will ever do ... I saw my love for Cherokee through to the end, I suppose that is courage.

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"We" make a lot of light and fun of my primary love language being physical touch. I haven't wanted any. There are a few people I would just like to my head down on and cry, but for the most part, I haven't wanted anything but a few words of encouragement and some quality time.

I am afraid to open my mouth. Schmendrick calls it a filter, that little part of your brain that interrupts what you are about to say and sends it to the trash can before it can get out. I don't have a good one, I might not have one at all, I've just learned to review everything that comes out of my mouth before it comes out. "Better to be thought of as a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt..." My adult life has been full of this, just attempting to keep my mouth shut.

Unfortunately, when I get stressed, I have a need to be validated. One of the ways I choose to do this by talking and, since I am stressed, I tend to pay less attention to what gets out before it gets out, and I say stuff that in retrospect, I should have not said. Retrospect doesn't take long, I begin overthinking what I just said almost as soon as it comes out of my mouth. I say something possibly stupid, then try to make up for it with a stupider story, which leads to dumber explanation, and quickly I am doubting myself, babbling incoherently, getting (or thinking I am getting) into a hole, making my friends mad at me, and feeling bad about myself.

This is my spiral, my vicious circle, the hole I can't climb out of. I did it on the phone after the SuperBowl party tonight. Then immediately asked two other friends for validation. I'm not sure how to dig myself out of something when the answer doesn't involve an empty tummy. It gets worse and worse the more I do it, so I just end up withdrawing from the world.

I don't want to flake out, withdraw from everyone for a couple months, and then come back with nary an explanation. I've done this trick before, it is ineffective at best. I don't have a clue about not doing it, so I am just going to fight through it the best I can ... I suppose that is courage too.