To only be broken by...

It's Friday, payday, the first day of a four day weekend, and all very busy. I have tons on my mind lately. Losing my house and probably having to give up the cats. All the changes with my medicines, for the better, but painful none the less. Breaking that tooth, and the ugliness that was getting it pulled. And the new one for the week, I got a wheel bearing going bad on my car. I guess I'd rather have it all happen at once, but I'm probably only saying that because it is happening all at once.

Through all this, I have managed to keep my good attitude, or at least be stoic. I feel like these little battles have been lost, and I've failed at a few things, but in the big picture, it's just things that must be endured. Peace has been with me.

With all this last thought in mind, I headed off to church this (Friday) morning because, well, it's a busy weekend, and I had time right now to do it. And 0830 Mass on a school day means kids choir, kids reading the lessons, good stuff. However, in essence, I was checking off the box for the weekend. That was the plan... *insert ominous music here*

God had a different idea in mind.

My first indication of trouble was the Gospel acclimation:

"Speak, oh Lord, your servant is listening, you have the words of everlasting life."

One of my favorites, especially when sung, and it hit a deep nerve, and brought a tear to my eye.

Then the Gospel reading came. I have a lot of friends who understand Paul and His writings, I am not one of those people. It is Peter who amazes me, he is vulnerable, he has failings, but love and trust in his Lord are exemplary. The reading was John 21:15-18, just a little more than 150 words.

15 When Jesus and the disciples had finished eating, Jesus spoke to Simon Peter. He asked, "Simon, son of John, do you really love me more than these others do?"
"Yes, Lord," he answered. "You know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."

16 Again Jesus asked, "Simon, son of John, do you really love me?"
He answered, "Yes, Lord. You know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."

17 Jesus spoke to him a third time. He asked, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?"
Peter felt bad because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He answered, "Lord, you know all things. You know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.

18 What I'm about to tell you is true. When you were younger, you dressed yourself. You went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands. Someone else will dress you. Someone else will lead you where you do not want to go."

This redemption of Peter for His denial of Jesus after The Last Supper is powerful, yet so subtly and gracefully done, that you could meditate on it for years, and still find more. The tears just started flowing, they have not stopped since.

Jesus ask Peter three times to break his earthly will and tear open what was in Peter's heart (the translation doesn't quite come to English), and reveal the hurts he had buried there from the time he had denied his Lord. Peter thus broken apart by Jesus, is immediately restored by the repetition of His command to feed His flock. The redemption of Peter is consummated in way that Peter cannot forget with the foreshadowing of his death, nor can he escape, the broken Peter becomes more than the previously whole Peter could be.

I have been broken repeatedly by the pains inflicted on me by this life. Like a mirror that has been dropped and shattered. Before I knew I God, I had painstakingly put the pieces back together, until once again, the mirror was usable ... but it remained a cracked reflection of what I was intended to be. When I have found the courage to give these pains over to God and trust Him, the cracks began to be sealed, unfindable. I began to be able to fully be able to see who I was intended to be.

God has broken me also, but when He breaks you it isn't like a shatter mirror, it is more like the breaking open of a cocoon. You emerge from your shell to find that you are more than you were before. SmileChild has written a song called "Broken" that captures this emergence that is at the very core of the Christian experience. The bitter tears that Peter cried when the rooster crowed the third time were the tears of the world that he inflicted on himself. The tears Peter cried from his redemption were no less painful, but they were the tears cried from the growth of becoming more that he could be before.

....though the hurt may remain,
help me see through the pain,
to only be broken by You.

I like to encourage SmileChild to sing the song these lyrics are from because of the unfettered emotions it evokes, but she declines because she thinks she cannot make it through without crying. I enthusiastically volunteer to sing it for her, so that it can be shared.

Don't ask me to sing it soon, my friend, for there will be two of us crying.