Thinking Thoughts

Not to turn my blog into a therapy session...

I have been feeling restless lately, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is that is causing it. I have talked to a couple of friends about this feeling, if for no other reason than to keep it out in the open, instead of dwelling on it in secret. I had a little better clue in on it tonight while I was "googling" my brother Carl, and all of a sudden I got a feeling of longing for something that is missing in my life.

I admit to considerable trepidation concerning feelings of longing and desire. I attempt to and feel as though I do a good job of living my life from a low worldly desire point of view. I am blessed with a house, friends, pets, and a good job to be specific about a few of them. The words I use when I pray are that I desire "...to be an instrument of His peace." Which doesn't mean that my own will can't sneak in and have pride or lust or envy (or four others) have me desire something which is not good for me, which happens from time to time. However I don't necessarily think, at least at this point in the introspective process, that it is the case.

The obvious answer is that I am missing a girlfriend/wife/family. I admit to being torn, but I think I am mostly comfortable with this either way it goes as long as it is God's will for me, but I do pray for it. This doesn't feel so obvious.

So I am left wondering if God is going to be "moving" me soon. I have some flat out fear about that. Not only am I fairly comfortable with myself and my life right now, there are things and memories in my past I have no desire to have dredged up again, I'd like to let that sleeping dog lie.

Fear is the opposite of faith... I pray for His will, I invite Him in to my home, my body, my soul. Yet here I sit fearful of moving forward, and afraid also of sliding back. Maintaining my position on this hill of life is my will, but the energy I expend to keep myself here, will eventually wear me out and I will fall back down into the valley...

Sometimes courage is taking the next step forward, sometimes it is taking one more breath, sometimes it is just saying I'm scared.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, The courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Read This!

Check out fellow jitterbug and friend Bex Blog Christmas Entry (the first sentencish). It is exactly how my Christmas events went also (well, I went to church too).

Merry Christmas!

What continues to be the most extraordinary thing about Christianity to me is what we celebrate this day. God, the creator of all things, chose to confirm His Kingdom, not from on high, separate and dictating, but by bringing Himself to us, born in a barn to a teenage girl... God almighty, measured in pounds and ounces, having to have His head supported while being held, needing to be nursed, changed, protected.

Yes, it is true, my thoughts are influenced by western Christian culture and thinking, yet every time I hold a small child, I think of baby Jesus, vulnerable and tiny, born to average parents. This is what floors me, that God has experienced this as I have.

Merry Christmas and many blessings to you.

Me on the Highway of My Desk

Of course, I am driving the 16 car.

New haircut

It's my new haircut! Complete with a nosey coworker.

Headscratcher

Today at work, my boss was holding a plastic bag he said was full of holes.

Identify Santa and Win!

edit: come on and guess already, just to amuse me, it's the holiday's.

Figure out who Santa is and win a fabulous prize!
Hint: I took the picture at Merinda's Walgreens.
Disclaimer: not responsible for any injury caused by the person in the picture hitting you because they don't like your guess.

Nothing In Particular

One of our dear dancers, Corinn, is sick, and has been in the hospital since last Tuesday... poor thing, she is only 95 pounds dripping wet to begin with. It started with Mononucleosis, which somehow affected her liver and other organs. People who saw her last Tuesday said she was very yellow. She went into the hospital last Tuesday, and is still there now. They want her to have surgery. I didn’t see her until Saturday, she looked fine then, but when I saw her Sunday she had the chills, I felt so bad I wanted to hold her until she stopped shaking, but she is a little paranoid about getting other people sick too. Prayers will be welcome.

I took Venche to my company party last Saturday. It was at the Funnybone w-a-y out in west Omaha (I think you could see the Denver skyline). They had food there, but it was fairly marginal, and a couple of drink tickets, which kind of got confusing, but the comedians were very good. I enjoyed it and laughed so hard that the administrative assistant turned around and smacked me for snorting when I laughed. Afterwards we tried to meet up with Monique, Robin, and Vivian to play some cut-throat solitaire, but it kind of just didn’t happen.

Poor Kevin is having phone issues, as in his isn’t working at all. Sprint told him that it was “water damage”... What? He is savvy enough to know that is bull, but we can’t get the phone apart to see what they are really talking about. So in the mean time he is using my OLD phone, it’s ancient, no web, no text messaging, no customizable rings... who knew you could function with that little functionality (now that’s an awkward sentence).

Sign of the Apocalypse /or/ Mixed Messages

I received an invitation in the mail today for a (big) party being thrown by Catholic Charities called "Irish Fest 2006" next March at the Qwest Center. Music is by ... The Village People. Insert your own Catholic/homosexual joke here.

I can only assume that the planner for this event doesn't know about The Village People or the agent for the band doesn't know about the Catholic Church.

No Room At The Inn...

Check this article out Mega-Churches closed on Christmas from Yahoo News. Let's see, God submitted Himself to the human condition, born a helpless baby in a barn to a teenage girl so you could declare that Christmas services would not "...be the most effective use of staff and volunteer resources." Wow... If you (myself included) really understood what God has done for you, you would beat your hands against the doors of the church just for the privilidge of worshiping Him.

Just as an aside, Willow Creek Church in suburban Chicago began in, and is named after an old movie theater in Palatine, IL where, when I liked movies more, I once sat for six hours to see a "Pink Panther" marathon.

Goodbye Sis

I took both of my rats into be put to sleep today because of their tumors. I was not very happy about this, but Sis had a big tumor (half the size of her body), and Mandy had a smaller one, and both are over two years old (they live to be 2 1/2 or 3). My vet, Dr B., talked me into trying surgery on both of them rather than just putting them to sleep. I feel much better about at least trying something, although unfortunately, Sis did not make it through surgery. So, whatever rats do in rat heaven, I hope you enjoy it sweetheart. Here is how I remember her:


Mandy is at home now, with staples in her side, but looking quite alert and hungry.

Rub-a-dub-dub

Rub-a-dub-dub, three men people in a tub car...

No Explanation Needed

How to Spend a Sunday.

My two favorite teams: the Bears and whoever beats the Packers. I am double dipping today.

Oh for Two

Poor little rats. I posted a while back when my blonde fancy rat, Sis developed a tumor, she is still alive, but not having a great time getting around. Now Mandy has one too... their lifespan is only two-three years, and they are both over two now. I think it might be time to put them down.

I really think they are cool pets, and I love having them around, and I knew going in they were prone to tumors, but I am quite disappointed. I don't know if I can do this again with them, no matter how cute they are.

Angst Ridden Haiku

Mind full of things best
left unsaid, who to vent to?
The silence is loud.

Hello Anonymous???

Hey, anonymous (see comments), you asked me to lunch and then I haven't heard from you. Who are you?

Happy Thanksgiving

Just wanted to take a second to recognize what I am thankful for:

God's love.
A warm place to live.
Food on my table.
Good health.
A hot shower.
A job that allows me to make enough money to have a few nice things.
A country that lets me speak my mind.
Two turntables and a microphone.
Five four-legged friends.

and of course: you.

"Gag" Prize

How cool is this gag prize I won at work for participating in a game at the monthly meeting. It is going right up on the back deck or in front of the kitchen window.

Homelessness & Meds

I sat Thursday at lunch, and watched out of the window of the high rise that I am working in. Across the street I saw a homeless lady sitting in the bus shelter, two bags next to her, draped in coats, and occosionally covering her head in a blanket... no doubt she was not enjoying the 25F temperature or the wind chill.

All of this took place within a 1/4 mile of two shelters that I know about, and forty yards of the front door of a public library, any of these places would have been adequate for warming up, and the shelters would have provided a hot meal. I saw a police officer go up and speak to the lady, probably trying to encourage her to get to a shelter. Evidentily she chose to stay where she was.

This set off a rapid fire series of thoughts running through my head. I thought to my time of being "homeless", for me, my situation was "normalized", 20 years old, no job, no home, no support system, just a clueless part time college student. Even looking back at myself, I had to have had the world-wisdom of a seven year old, if that. I just had no clue, period. I don't know if it was so much of being emotionally stunted as just being unaware of how to get through life on my own. I am fairly certain no one could have convinced me that something was wrong, even though between Feb 84 & July 84 I went from 170 to 125 pounds.

The second major thing that ran through my mind was my recent thought that it was time to try to get along without my medicine. I take an antidepressant to help to curb my migraines, (according to my doctor) this medicine levels out the seratonin in my brain and keeps the migraines from getting out of control. It certainly seems to work, it doesn't eliminate migraines entirely, but I am not missing work like I used to, and it makes them more managable. Basically, my need to take medicine that alters my brain chemistry means that I am mentally ill. When I quit my medicine for a couple days last week, and I've been promptly rewarded with nasty headaches every day this week (until today).

To my mind there are three things that can lead a person to homelessness. It is or becomes "normalized" (i.e. there is nothing wrong), a person is suffering from a mental illness which interfers with their ability to take care of themselves, and/or a number of bad decisions leave the person with no safety net. Obviously, the closer you are to the edge financially, the fewer bad decisions you have to make, however I watched my father manage to go from upper middle-class, married, employed, business owner, and home owner to nothing in a couple of years, I don't even know the extent of the decisions that led him there.

The problem with helping people like this lady get off of the street is how to do it. If the problem is that she doesn't think there is a problem, how do you convince her that there is an issue? What if she likes her life? If she is in need of medication, should you force her to take a mind altering medication against her will? (that's a VERY slippery slope). If she is living on the streets and avoiding the shelters on a cold day, I am guessing that decision-making is probably an issue, but how do you get anyone to make good decisions... all the reading, praying, counselling, and life experience I have been through barely gets me by.

I try not avoid eye contact with people on the street. I consider it basic respect. In general I won't give them money, but I will talk to them, I think it keeps them involved with society in some small way... and it keeps me remembering where I have been and that they are people too... people who I wish would get to a shelter on a cold day.

Working Downtown

I am working downtown all week at the UP Center. For being fairly bland on the outside, it is fairly well designed on the interior spaces. At least on the floors that I have been on, it is difficult to find a place without a view of the outside.

And the Purpose of Cats Is????

I realize it might be kind of difficult to tell what you might be looking at here, so I'll explain. On the left side of the picture is my TV. On the right background of the picture is my table. In the foreground is a cat. In the middle of the picture, laying on the floor is the fake ficus tree that (normally) sits behind the TV... yes, I have lights on it. Cat... knocked over tree... cat... knocked over tree... I bet you get that picture.

Less Of Me To Go Around

I had a tooth pulled today, boy I hate that noise... and the pain... and the swelling... and the bleeding five hours later. That's enough whining.

I Saw a Movie...

I saw a movie... yes, you heard correctly. I saw a movie. Chicken Little, it was tremendously entertaining. Not only entertaining, but our friend Steve, a.k.a Alpaca boy was one of the animators. I tried to take a picture of Steve's name in the credits with my cell camera phone, but it was way too blurry. I didn't talk to Steve enough at Cowtown to be sure what part of the movie he was working on, but I think "Fish out of Water" (to the left) looks and dances a lot like him.

Good job Steve!

Merinda got us organized, and it ended up with nine of us going to the last matinee on Saturday at 5:15. Eleven and a half hours later, the party broke up. In between then, we saw the movie, ate at Culvers, gathered at Troy & Merinda's, searched for something to do for :45 minues, watched dance instruction videos and practiced while Troy's played poker and Merinda slept, played Moods (Merinda & Becky's version), 'witnessed' a fight, played Trivial Pursuit (our own version), played even more Trivial pursuit, and went and ate at Alvarado's.

All those people just gathering and hanging out, it's no wonder I love my friends so much. Everyone is so easy going, so happy to have friends, and even the little bickering that goes on doesn't amount to much.

Congratulations to Vivian, who put me in my place last night at Alvarados. Good job, I deserved it.

Halloween Pictures

There was fun to be had on Halloween at the Jitterbugs dance. I have a few photos I took:

It's easy to see what all the flap was about...

Arg! We be real pirates!

In fact there matey, there be lots o' Jitterbuggin' pirates...

I wasn't serious when I said it was your fault... she looks like she is enjoying it just a bit too much.

and here are some more pictures:
From Robin and
Mae's Blog (Scroll down)

She's a Keeper, Unfortunately, I Am Not

I am back on the market again.

Lori broke up with me on Wednesday night. I admit I am not very happy with it, not unhappy with her, but unhappy with the situation. Timing, as they say, is everything, and although she didn't exactly use those words or that phrase, basically that is the case. I am ready, and she is not. We talked and it is fairly clear that door is closed now, and that I am moving on, and she will be doing what she needs to do.

I feel as though I did (nearly) the best I could, and was respectful, kind, and loving. In other words, I treated her like I wanted her to treat me. So I am happy with myself, although, I can't really be sure if that makes it worse or better.

I know I am fond of saying "one of me, millions of ladies...", but in this case I had thought I lucked into a real gem. I am sad and frustrated and just feeling like it's not going to happen for me. *sigh* I am going to miss her bunches. Please no trite messages about how there is someone out there for me, I already know that.

P.S. to Jitterbugs: Lori says she is likely to continue dancing, please make her feel welcome, thanks in advance.

Superfreaky Monster?

When I got to work today, this little 'scary' monster was on my desk. He dances and sings Superfreak.

Hi Blog, Remember Me?

Well this has certainly been a while since I have written anything here. I don't quite know what happened to an entire two weeks, but it is gone now.

Tonight is one of my favorite occurences during the year... "fall behind", yep, I am going to get an entire extra hour of sleep tonight. I will be well rested for the next sixth months until the time changes again.
I think the entire thing time change thing is a farce. People force their lives to adhere to what the clock says instead of what the sun does... hmmm. I live next to a school, and when kids are going to school now, it is dark... why??? Why does the school have to operate on the clock, dangerously, who is being served by that? If the sun doesn't rise until 8:00am then start school at 8:30am. This isn't a mystery. There isn't a need for different time zones, run everything off of UTC with a 24hr clock and everybody can have their own local time... Central time, Omaha time, how about Eric Standard Time. Instead of "you have to be to work at 7:00am CDT, it would be "you have to be to work at 1300 UTC". No problem, people are smart, once they set their watches and clocks to a certain time, they can figure it out, as for everyone having their own personal time zone, no problem there either, how many people do you know who already have their clocks set :15 fast (or slow).

Half Eaten Words

Sprint has made me eat my words... sort of. I went in on Monday to get the phone that was going to replace the one that the camera didn't work in, which was replacing the one that wouldn't ring. I get there, and of course, they have no clue, and can't find the phone that they ordered for me. So after :10 minutes of searching, the guy comes out and gives me a brand new upgraded model phone.

So now I have a brand new phone, and nothing to complain about for a while.

Lindy in the Dark

This was a cool idea. A pretty night, a beautiful full moon, and dancing with your friends.

Sprint + Nextel = Still Bad Customer Service

My less than six month old cell phone quit ringing. It wasn't a hardware issue, it was a software issue, it would ring sometimes, but not others. So I took it in to have the thing upgraded, no dice, it still didn't work, so they ordered me a new phone.

I picked it up several days later and spent half of the next day reprogramming all of my phone numbers into the new phone. Got that finished, and started looking at getting pictures transferred onto the new phone so I could "see" who is calling. I lost the old pictures because I wasn't quite as smart as the phone. I decided to take a picture of Cherokee sitting on the couch for my background, I hit the camera button, it loaded up, went to a black screen, and then rebooted the phone. Can I duplicate the problem... yes.

So I trudge back to the Sprint store, and sure enough, they have to order me a new phone. Grrr.

Cowtown Photos

Okay, so here are some photos from Cowtown Jamborama.
click on any photo for a larger view!

Lindsay, Vivian, and Suzie wondering when I am going to ask them to dance...

Greg doing his best rock star impression...

Troy spinning the discs... um mp3's... would you believe 1's and 0's.

Robin is supposed to be pretending to pick her nose here. It's a bad fake. Vivian looks on, Merinda and Becky talk, and Suzie stares into space.

Here is the background on this one: Corinn brought her homework to the welcome dance! So I snuck up behind her and put the camera in between her and her homework.

Carmen is wishing that someone, anyone here can speak Spanish.

Chris says "it's one of my favorite moves, you just spin her left and right really quick, and her hair just freezes like that."

I can think of nothing appropriate to caption this one with.

Here is a sight you don't see everyday, an alpaca and a cow out of their normal environments.

My dear, sweet friend Robin, so full of class, expressing her obvious need for a giant lollipop.

Let me show you how I scored the winning goal for my high school in the state soccer final...

Kevin dancing with the very charming Jenny.

Corinn says "no don't take that picture of Chris, take one of me, me, me, it's all about me."

Andrew here is wearing a very stylish shirt that was also modeled by another certain good looking man that evening. Which just goes to prove: two girls in the same outfit, disaster... two guys wearing the same thing, lifelong buddies.

One of the classes taught by Peter and Caitlin... see previous post if you wonder why nothing clever is being said here.

Lucy is trying to see if she can get Gary to dance with her some more.

"MMMM that lollipop sure was good!"

This is the best photo of the dance contest I competed in, I believe I am behind the cow.

The cow makes his first appearance, he's probably looking for a heifer.

"Over here ladies, don't miss out on this bunch of bull."

Becky says "If I knew I'd have a cow hitting on me, I'd have stayed in New Orleans". Merinda says "Here Eric, let me make you some more Jello shots."

The cow says "Hey! I'm a bull, I don't want to dance with a guy, go away!"

"No! Can't you city boys see I'm a male cow!"

"Finally... hey baby, you want to come on over to my field and I'll show you my collection of cow pies"

Vivian smiling, I think some corn is STILL stuck in her teeth. Congrats on your prize winning effort.

Corinn and Miriam came out in the this cute cow costume. Corinn got the front, poor Miriam was bringing up the rear.

This is a picture of poor Miriam being the back end of a cow.

Lori and I riding on Bob's what-cha-ma-thinga-ma-jingy.

It happens at every party, someone dances too much with the cow and passes out.

It was just SO far to walk across the kitchen to turn on the light.

Yes, I got really lazy and fed the cats in the dark. With predictable results.

WWW = Wow Whata Weekend

2005 Cowtown Jamborama has come and gone. It came off so much better than I had feared, very well for something "thrown together" at the last minute. Thank you to the organizers and the attendees. I want to extend a personal thank to those people who made it happen behind the scenes, you know who you are, and you are reason it happened so well.

It was 6pm when I finally pulled my carcass out of bed today with an aim on something resembling productivity. I am not too sore, like I was last year, but I am definitely exhausted. I know plenty of people who are sore. Lori said she was sore in places she didn't know she had muscles.

It's one of those times when people say "I had such a great weekend!"
"Oh? what did you do?"
"I can't remember."

I'll be posting some pictures soon.

Some random thoughts:
I entered my first dance contest. There was no pressure on me, since I didn't stand a chance of winning, and that was how it worked out. I danced with three partners, the first was Jenny from Minnesota, who was just wonderful and smiley. Then I got Terry, aka idance, who continues to be one of my favorites, I hope I can quit being so intimidated by dancing with her. I had a third partner too, it wasn't so great. I really focused my dancing for the last month or so with an eye on this competition. I heard feedback from my friends that I have been making progress, and I feel that way too. After the competition, I asked Robin how I did, she said "great", so I asked her how I really did "your moves and footwork were fine, your posture stunk." Now that's a friend :-) I would love to see the Omaha Jitterbugs have a dance contest quarterly, for me it made me improve my dancing, perhaps others would do the same.

I was VERY encouraged this weekend. I keep telling myself various things about how I won't ever be a great dancer, and every time I am proven wrong. My latest one is that I am too old. Well it may be true that I am older than most of the people who were there, but dancing has probably got me in the best "general" shape I have been in since my mid 20's. I weigh more and it's mostly muscle, I have better stamina, I am stronger and more coordinated than I have ever been. Maybe it's time to pony up some cash for some private lessons. (and quit the bad self-talk)

Chicks dig guys who can dance. Gentlemen, especially you younger ones, get a clue, and learn some moves.

Caitlin George, thank you for the dance tip. That being said, you are much more attractive when your mouth is shut, just because you have vocal cords isn't necessarily an open invitation to use them. Perhaps you have good reason to believe that you are one of the finest lindyhoppers in the world, but there is no reason to leave people believing you are one of the biggest jerks in the world. Thank you for visiting Omaha, and thank you for leaving. Big talent doesn't have to be nasty, Christy Vasiliauskas is full of kindness and patience AND talent oozes out her pores. In the future I can tell you that I will fly to Hawaii to ask her something before I'd walk across the room to ask you.

Folks, if you think you get the best moments of an event by being at the beginning and middle, you are mistaken. The best stuff happens at the end. Everyone's guard is down, they are tired and happy, and stuff comes out. The Sunday dance was attended by about 45 people, and by 11:00 we were down to 15 or so, and Peter Loggins started goofing off with some of the other instuctors, and funny funny stuff occurred. My favorite was when Billy put on a latin song, and we dragged Carmen over to him to dance. Peter: "I am from L.A., of course I can dance Latin."... one minute later "...she's showing me up...!" naturally, you have to be there, and some of it may have only been funny because we were so tired. But Peter, Christy, and Mike Faultesek, the instructors who stayed until the last minute of the last event, were gracious, kind, funny, and wonderful to be around (Big Bad Voodoo Daddy was the same way).

Thanks again to all those wonderful people who took the time to dance with me.

What I Learned at the Zoo Today

Random lessons from the zoo...

1. Don't pretend that you are going to throw a five year into water or she will cry.
2. If one three year old presses the emergency button in the elevator, the other three year old will do it too at the next available opportunity.
3. Don't try to pick up a five year old when she is about to jump or you will get smacked in the jaw by the top of her head.
4. Five little kids pretending to be lions can bring down an adult human.
5. Don't tell a three year old who didn't want the rest of his lunch that you fed it to the squirrels or he will cry.
6. Bats are attracted to heat. Rub your hand and they will fly right up to you.
7. Five kids can run in twelve different directions at THE SAME TIME.
8. Don't encourage the kids to quack at the ducks... or to hoot at the owls... or any other animal noise at any other animal.
9. There is a difference between apes and monkeys, I just don't know what it is.
10. and of course: We all spent $70 on a zoo pass so the kids could run around on rocks, play with fountains, climb on fences, and pretend to ride statues.