The 2007 Onion Awards

The end of 2007 is at hand, and it is time for the 2007 version of the Onion awards. These highly coveted awards are given arbitrarily to anyone whom the Academy of Onionboy wishes to hand them out to, in whatever category seems reasonably fitting.

Pet Awards:

• Longest Lasting Best Friend: Cherokee. Fourteen years and you still have more good days than bad.
• Most Improved Friendliness: Sierra. This cat was shy out of the box, now she is in charge.
• Most Likely To Sit Stubbornly In The Rain: Zeke. Cats are not known for intelligence, Zeke upholds this standard.
• We Miss You: Miss Princess. My mom's cat made it nineteen years, and almost liked me one time.

People Awards:

• Stupidest Allergy Ever: Mae. Science needs to get on the stick and cure wheat allergies.
• Most Likely To Be Found In A Glass Bubble: Becca Bay. Two trips to the zoo with her resulted in half the time spent in bubbles.
• Virtual Guitar Hero: Spanky. I'm his bass player.
  
• Lincoln Is So Far Away Award: BeckyRants. We never see you.
• Lincoln Is So Close Award: Cornstalker. You are always up here in Omaha, just move already.
• Pyro Of The Year: Ben ... no elaboration needed, you can see why from outer space.
• Clueless Young Man Award: All Omaha Area 20-29 Single Men. When I handed her flowers for her birthday, ErinOneDay told me "This is the first time a boy has ever given me flowers." Hello guys, she's pretty, caring, and musically gifted ... you should be lining up to take a number (not that I had any sense at that age either).
• You Rode How Far?: Jose. Come on, sixty miles on a bike is a month, not just for fun some afternoon.
• Baddest Year, but Getting Through: MistyJoJangles. You keep on going, girl.
• Best Hand-Made Halloween Costume: Rob Meyers as Spongebob.
• Welcome to the World Award: Daniel. Daniel joined us this year, and proud mama Rockin'Robin will tell you how is the greatest baby ever.
• Have I Ever Met Anyone Who Doesn't Play Guitar Award: SingingMonkeyGirl. Who also picks up an award in the Favorite New Dancer category.
• Mack The Knife Award: Takashi. Thank you for your performance at Junetoberfest.
• Species Of The Year Award: The Okapi. It has a prehensile tongue, which is both fascinating and horrifying all at the same time.
• Musical Performance Of The Year: If Only One of Us (aka SmileChild and ErinOneDay) on my back deck for "Junetoberfest".
• Animal Attack Of The Year: SmileChild. Our February day trip to the zoo ended with a goat attack.
• Can't Sit Still Award: Ben ... actually, he just plain can't sit in any chair on my lawn without falling over.
• Most Likely To Be Jumping Through A Car Window: Becca Doubet. Twice in one night she does the Daisy Duke and goes through the window.
• Most Likely To Say Something Rude And Then Look Up The Definition: Jayme. Are you really sure you want to tell me to get bent?
• The Terrorize The Birthday-Person Award: Olin. Beware the cake ... or if your name is Jessica, just beware.
  

Internet Awards:

• America, The Land Of Free Speech Award: My June 19 posting about Lindy in the Park. When am I going to learn everything is perfectly fine, no need to question. Lessons learned? Don't argue with cowards, my offer to discuss Omaha Jitterbug issues face to face with anyone is still out there, and other than Nate, it is untaken.
• Internet Comic Of The Year: Cortland. My buddy Cornstalker's internet comic is the coolest, and I'd say so even if I didn't appear in it from time to time.
• Momentus Blog Posting: This one, it is my 500th.
• Wearing Your Virtual Heart On Your Sleeve Award: Terri. Are you sure you want to put that kind of stuff on your Facebook status?
  

Dance Awards:

• Most Fun To Dance With, 75 Pounds And Under Category: Janet, aka The Bullet. The problem is not whether you're able to do any flip you want with her, it's not accidentally throwing her to the ceiling.
• Stupidest Dancer/Coworker: Me. I came into work one day, introduced myself to the new girl in the row... "Yes, you dance with me all the time." Oops, sorry Amanda.
• Worst Dance Move of The Year: SmileChild. Hello, on a donkey kick, you kick forward not backwards.
  

Automotive Awards:

• Talking And Driving Award: Viv. Bad news: she is talking to me and does a 360 on I80 in the snow. Good news: she kept right on driving ... a future in stock car racing awaits you.
• Your Christmas Gift Award: My car. Which needed two new tires right before Christmas.
• Worst Driving Weather: March 1st. I freak out when I am at work and it is really snowy. Just figure I'm leaving early.
  

Good Looks Awards:

• Best 'Touch Me' Hair: Emma. Just fun to play with.
• Not As Pretty On Film Award: Jenny Jitterbug. Somehow the eyes and smile just don't translate to the camera.
• Review Your Pictures Before You Put Them On The Internet Award: Cornstalker. Picture taking ability, 10% great, 40% good, 40% average, 10% burn the camera.
  
• Temptation Thy Name Is... Award: Venche ... as a cheerleader on Halloween.
• Smiliest: SmileChild: What can you say about someone who's nickname is SmileChild.

Moments Awards:

• The Blind Leading The Sighted Award: Debbie. Day two of Cowtown this year, six people sitting around "What do you want to do for lunch? ... I don't know ... I don't know." Debbie comes over rounds us up and herds us off to Subway, walking stick in hand. Nice job.
• The Don't Listen To OnionBoy's Wisdom Award: Maegmariel. Shortly after I suffered the financial indignation of sending my cell phone through the washing machine, she did the same thing.
• Sorghum Award: Spanky. If you don't know, it's funny.
  
• Providence Award: Smeade. SmileChild, Viv, and I finally got off our butts and went to visit Rockin'Robin, Tim, and Daniel, oh and look, Smeade is on the way to O'Neill. As "luck" would have it her car blew up that week, and she needed a ride back to Omaha, OnionBoy is in the right place at the right time to save the day.
• Best Mermaid Imitation: Me. You just had to be there, mostly because there is no visual evidence, probably SmileChild and ErinOneDay are kicking themselves about that.
• Worst Moment Of The Year: Falling off of Angie's JetSki at Lake Okaboji and having the key go with the JetSki instead of staying with me. All turned out well, but that may be the last time I get on a JetSki.
• Repeated Good Times Award: My firepit. Although I can't quite figure out why we all sit around and surf the net from our phones.
• Snowball Fights Are Dangerous Award: Jenny Jitterbug. She got clocked in the head so hard that she doesn't remember it ... in her living room.
  

(new category) Photo Awards:

• My favorite pictures of the year, in no order at all.

I won't lie and say I had a great 2007, there were some challenges which I don't think I handled very well, but friends new and old made the year a good one.

The Big Break

Coming soon to Hepcat Records. Backed by the Prairie Cats, SingingMonkeyGirl, SmileChild, and Viv recreate all the Andrews Sisters music you know and love.

Mall Massacre Follow Up

As a symbol of support, in the center of the food court at the Westroads Mall, the Christmas tree is covered with handmade snowflakes, so many they are piled on the floor around the tree about eight inches high, I have two in there.

I am not going to lie, it was creepy. More creepy than it was healing, although I am glad I went ... I am sure I am not the only person in Omaha who feels the same way. Omaha is friendly city, and even with the half million or so people who live here, there isn't three degrees of separation between any two people. You know someone who knows someone. So it was very easy to take what happened personally. Nothing like Chicago, where I knew a guy who was shot in the parking lot of the local 7-11, it was random, you just dealt with it, here it is different, maybe some of it has to do with being older, perhaps not.

Venche and I went Friday afternoon, the day after Von Maur reopened. We met in the food court, and then walked over from the inside of the mall. Right before you walk in the door, there were eight simple wreaths, unadorned, four to a side, with the simple message "we remember". The first person I saw as I walked in the door was a uniformed cop, packing. It wasn't particularly difficult to walk in the door, nor was it tough to walk around. I didn't go to the third floor, mostly because the mens section was on the second floor. What made it difficult, was, again, personal.

As it turns out, I did know someone working at Von Maur at the time of the mall massacre. I'll leave her name out, I'm sure this is not the kind of notoriety she wants. She was on the second floor when the shootings took place. This is a person I hold in very high esteem because of the way she walks her faith. I read from reports that the shooter, Hawkins, aimed the gun down from the third floor atrium to the second. Considering where she works, it wouldn't be hard to imagine her being shot. The reports also talked about the only two sounds being gunfire and the piano playing. I guess the musician in me found the juxtaposition of the two eerie at best, and the piano was playing during our visit. I don't quite have the right vocabulary to describe the disconsertment [may not be a real word] the whole experience left me with...

My friend who works at Von Maur told me that the first day they were open they did more than double the amount of sales for any single day for any Von Maur store ever. I didn't end up buying anything, but like many Omahans, I had to go. There is a joke about Omaha that has a punch line goes something "thanks for visiting, now leave." As if we don't want outsiders to come in and ruin the great city we got going here, no real reason to worry about that, the cold will keep people away. They say crisis doesn't make character, it reveals it, and Omaha has had it's character revealed, and I'm proud to say I live here.

P.S. As a open note to the Von Maur Company and it's leaders. I just want to say that I thought your actions and attitudes following this tragedy were commendable. Someday, when I can afford it, you got yourself a customer.

Zoo Lights 2007

Although there were more attendees this year than last, our zoo lights trip seemed much more disorganized than last year, with a lot of last minute are we / are we not issues.

We did, and it was great fun. The group was me, Olin, Jenny Jitterbug, Sarah, SmileChild, Becca & little TC, and that SingingMonkeyGirl. There was a lot less light viewing than last year, and a lot more goofing off, but it was all good.

The evening started out interestingly enough, while some of us were standing by the front entrance waiting on others, we looked over and saw a car was making it's way along the sidewalk from 10th street to the drop off circle drive. It dropped off the curb pretty hard, and was followed closely by another car. I thought the second car looked familiar, as in someone we were waiting for ... it turns out the first car should have looked familiar too. I won't name names, but if I were going to...

What happens when a starfish has a little too much to drink? By the way, this will be the theme picture for next years trip.


First Stop: The Birthday House, where Olin captures a SingingMonkeyGirl.


I don't know about the monkey part, but Jenny Jitterbug finds out firsthand where the singing girl part comes from.


Wait a second, this looks awfully familiar.


Later on, more like sooner on, when we figured out it was cold, we headed to the aquarium to see how tall TC is, yep, she is Gentoo and a quarter feet tall.


Jenny Jitterbug and Sarah are looking a little, um distorted, I guess they must be underwater.


I'm telling you, Becca has a thing for bubbles, and if you don't have any idea what I'm talking about, you need to read my blog more often.


Okay, SmileChild has the baby, and later in the evening she received a marriage proposal, it's all coming together for her.


It's a little dark, but I love the way SmileChild is looking at the turtle. This also satisfies the obligation to have a sea turtle picture in the Zoo Lights photo montage.


Oh look, Zoo Lights, who knew?

Shortly after this picture was taken I took a snowball to the ear area, the snow quickly made it's way down into my clothing causing me to entertainingly scream like a little girl.

There were also some acoustics lessons on the trip. Sarah and I sat in different parts of the aquarium tunnel and whispered back and forth using the acoustics of the tunnel to gossip horribly about the others on the trip ... did you know that ... um, nevermind. Later on, we went into the Wild Kingdom building and there was a little demonstration thing about acoustics which SingingMonkeyGirl demonstrates here:

We were all singing Christmas songs to Sarah when she had on the headphones. Interestingly enough we found out that the name all the other reindeer were calling Rudolph was "Fudge Face", that's horrible to be called that and not being able to play in any of the reindeer games.

We all did this (except for Becca & TC who had already left). In the interest of brevity (an interest I rarely suffer from), I am only including these two.

We headed on up to the main store, mostly to annoy Maegmariel, who was working. Sarah left us, so we were down to five. In keeping with my long standing tradition of pain avoidance, no pictures of Maegmariel are included.

These two were having delusions of penguinness ... penguinnuity ... penguinadequacy ... penguinability ... nevermind.


There are two sides to this story, or should I say two sides to these hats.

After we left we all went and ate at Taco Bell.

Thanks to SmileChild for unwittingly let me steal her pictures, which I would have done to Jenny Jitterbug too, but she thought sleep was more important than uploading photos. Silly double J.

The Call - an oddball post

I heard The Call again yesterday. The Call is a sound that I hear in between sleep and waking. It is not an earthly noise, so it is difficult to describe. The closest I can come to describing what it sounds like is that of a stationary train signaling with it's horn, but it's more complicated than that.

There is a message in The Call, a call to come home. When I hear the sound, I am filled with a longing, like a dog missing its pack, and hearing it in the distance, I want to run wildly towards the noise to meet up with those I am missing. The feeling is intense and lingers, leaving me feeling off all day, sometimes several days ... like I have misplaced something important, but not only cannot figure out where I left it, but I cannot remember what it is I lost.

I have no gift for interpretation, so I don't know what it means. Can it be a metaphor? An angel speaking? Or something that is intentionally uninterpretable ... perhaps to get my mind working in a certain direction, or away from a different one.

It is like a deja vu for something that hasn't happened yet. That feeling that someone is just about to call you, but doesn't. A flickering motion you see out of the corner of your eye. That smell that reminds you of something you just can't place. Part of what makes it so darn difficult to describe is it's very nature, it's not worldly, I have no way to compare it, nor can I "replay" the sound in my own head.

The Call comes a couple times a year. I will hear it again, someday when I am ready, I will follow it home.