I just had a wonderfully good laugh, alone, but it doesn't necessarily mean I'm crazy.
I was just sitting and thinking, when a thought popped into my head: "What would Jesus have blogged about during His forty days in the desert?" I really have no idea. So I'm instead left to wonder what I would blog about if I went off into the desert for forty days. I had to laugh again because I just came out of an Lenten sacrifice, and went right into giving up something else altogether. A Lenten sacrifice is supposed to be an emulation of what Jesus did went He spent His time alone.
What I think now is; this year I set myself up for a Lenten sacrifice success. Giving up fried foods was a sacrifice, but one I knew I could keep. Not exactly a formula for inducing humility. This now is what I should have given up in the first place, dancing and Facebook. Instead of these excellent distractions, I'm left to myself, my thoughts, and the disparity between the words I use about God, and how I actually live my life.
Freed of at least two major worldly distractions in the last two weeks, I have been forced to look into the mirror that reflects my soul. I have not been happy with what I have seen there. I have found that somehow I had become quite bitter, and unhappy, unable to appreciate what has been provided to me, unwilling to see a future that included personal happiness or fulfillment. I'm not without compassion for my predicament, if it seems that way, I've had a lot of personal loss and failures over the last two years. However, the one thing all my failures and losses have in common? Me. Now that is a little harsh, and quite possibly undeserved, but sometimes a cigar is a cigar.
I've been doing things on my own. Like a child who says "I'm a big boy now!" and refuses help, I'm back to flying solo, God has not recently been piloting my life ... nor co-piloting ... heck not really navigating, backseat driving, stewarding, or even fueling the plane. It is any wonder that I've developed a case of the insanes?
I've (re)discovered in these two weeks that my bitterness can be replaced with forgiveness. I actually found my singing voice again, well at least at church. I'm been calmer and more positive, even when things don't go my way. I've had to confront a couple of big demons I like to pretend don't exist, but really when you pull back the curtains, and let the light shine in on them, they really aren't that scary at all.
I know the title of this blog entry might give some the impression that there is a certain length of time that I will be in my self imposed exile, I can only say it is as long as it takes. The road to self-improvement is not always smoothly paved. It is, however, a journey I am going to make, I only hope, as Reinhold Niebuhr asked for "...the courage to change the things I can."