24 March 2005


Cheese and rice I am stubborn, or at least a part of me is. I want to go to church, I think that church is good for me, i believe that life is lived best through community, rituals, and cycles, and yet here I sit on the Thursday before Easter and I have dug my heels in, stubbornly, and I am not going to go even though church starts in 30 minutes, and I have nothing else to do.

I have had way too much happen in my life to afford myself the luxury of debating the existence of God. For me God is fact. I believe the story of Jesus, it is frighteningly real to me, I suffer few delusions about my being 'good' or 'worthy', I know that when I stand before God for judgment, I will have no complaints if I am to be condemned. I know it can easily be me tortured, humiliated, and nailed on a cross... but someone has taken my place.

The mere contemplation of the Supreme allowing himself to become a human is mind boggling. God, 8 pounds 4 ounces, 19 1/4 inches, born to a carpenter and a maiden in a barn... nursing on Mary's breasts, helpless, and utterly relying on others. This is power? No, it is to be able to say to us that yes, God knows what we go through, what we are tempted by.

Did Jesus the man know the temptation of denying the Omnipotent?

Then at the other end of his life as a human. Completely aware of what would occur, yet setting aside all human aspirations for power, comfort, and desire, and setting us free from whatever binds us... now or ever after. Only God's love could be so contrary to any sort of human logic.

Many know my struggle with dogma vs. karma. Perhaps I would replace the word karma with grace (for my own convenience), I believe that grace is where I live and breathe and love and learn. Yet some of the greatest human minds EVER have poured their lives into prayerful contemplation of what should and shouldn't be done, yes, I know ever person has their slant, but out of respect, I think it important to contemplate and consider what the church says to be right and wrong.

Regardless of all these words, I am not at church, and I am still stubbornly refusing to show, through my actions, respect for the One who made me, and could unmake me ... and THAT is what ought to frighten me.

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